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I want a salad.

October 7, 2009
tags: , ,

CNN bothers me sometimes, and this is article is why. Their reporters are no longer reporters – they are repeaters. Guys like Edward R. Murrow no longer exist. Even Cronkite, who prided himself on reporting ‘unbiased’ news, knew when he needed to step in and give a well-reasoned opinion, like during the Vietnam War. I like the NYTimes columnists, but overall, reporters are merely in charge of drumming up website hits and drawing ad revenue for a country with a severe case of ADD. So instead of reporting on, “Foods with a Slightly Higher Chance of Contamination that May or May Not be Statistically Significant, Use Your Own Judgment, Educated Reader,” they report on ,“Daaaangerous Foooooods!” (please insert the spooky announcer voice on your own, thank you). And they don’t bother telling you it’s not really a crisis to begin with.

Because the most dangerous food on the list? Leafy greens. Lettuce. A side salad. Cue millions of Americans vowing never to eat vegetables again, as if that’s really what this country needs. Except that amidst the sensationalism in the article, you’ll read that those sickly salads cause about seven hundred ‘illnesses’ ranging from ‘stomach aches to death’ a year (compared with how many people in the country?).

How dangerous! God forbid a stomach ache. I won’t even mention that most of those are probably children faking it, trying to solicit their parents’ guilt at the dinner table (oh crap, I just mentioned it).

So the moral of the story? Be careful with statistics. Because I’m betting lightning will strike me down sooner than a piece of lettuce will. But then again, God works in mysterious ways.

What else bothers me about the article? Tuna is apparently dangerous too, so the plucky reporter asks the head of a fishermen’s association whether we should, in fact, be wary of purchasing what he needs to sell in order to live.

Can you guess what the guy says? I thought so. That’s like asking Gene Simmons, “Sir, sir, would you like to rock and roll all night?  And, perhaps, just perhaps, would you be interested in partying every day?”

So yes, I still lead a life of thrill and danger – I still eat salads.

But only because chicks dig bad boys.


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